well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Worst luck of my entire life. Came in my own mouth
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Randomize