The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Randomize
