the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
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