i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
