if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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