Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
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