I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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