Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she reminds me of the kind of girl who'd fuck in church if you asked. I can dig it.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
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