thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
