haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
