Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
Thats a flattering suggestion doug but lets be clear NO you may not put your face in my vagina just because ur not charging me a cover. sorry.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Two words: blizzard sex
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Randomize
