Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
It's no shave November. This is our time.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
