Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
Someone came in the potted fern
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Randomize
