i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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