who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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