I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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