i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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