if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize