I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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