you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
