did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
