Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
