she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
