True but thats because hes a fetus.
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
