Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
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