so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I just had sex on a roof
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
