thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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