genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
