So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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