My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
