Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?
3some
You're right, stupid question.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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