My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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