Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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