I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Randomize