Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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