when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
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