just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?
No. It just means your good at giving head.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
