Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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