someone threw a dead crab at me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
