Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
we need to get ahold of those "sexting" teens on tyra. HAWT!
wasnt one 13?
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
