Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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