Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Church boner. Awkwardddd
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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