filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
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