I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
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