I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
