He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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