So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
