There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
