I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
Randomize
