it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
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