dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
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