Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
