the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
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