dude u gotta turn down the techno when u bang that chick its creepy
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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