someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
