if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
