Old men and throwing up are my life now.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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