Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
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