Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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