Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Randomize