paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
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