she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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