guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
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