Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
