first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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