some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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