I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Randomize
