Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Randomize