tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
This is the high leading the old right now
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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