I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
