I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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